my journey to adulthood

Tiny House!

2011-10-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

I just realized I posted that lat post without giving some of my readers back story my husband and I are turning a shed into a house. My mother lives in the middle of the country bordering a wetlands preserve next to Big Creek Lake, which is Mobile's water supply and main water shed. She has a workshop/shed in the far corner of her back yard. It has power and it is like a porch and a shed with a loft that was I think intended for storage. Her and her husband, my step dad, have extended the invitation to convert it into a living space and live there rent free all we have to do is pay the difference on their bills. We can also use their laundry room and bathroom (that is until we build or own outdoor solar shower and composting toilet) and kitchen. So we will have free rent, free Internet and our debts (less than 1,000), utilities, food and gasoline, and car insurance and that is all we will have to pay. So we can live there while Adam is in school and save money to buy a piece of land and build our own tiny house on. I will be chronicling the process on here and on my FB through pictures and blog posts so you can follow us along the way. if any one out there has tips on green building practices, small house living, construction, recycled building, or anything else you think might help please comment below! Thank you kindly, Jalah

Adventures in saving money!

2011-10-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

Last night Adam and I went grocery shopping at the dollar store (for my foreign friends these stores sell off brand products or name brand products that have been liquidated from big stores because of package changes or discontinued products) got some lunch stuff for him and some dinner stuff for us. Also we made a pledge not to eat at restaurants and he is going to pack his lunch from now on. I am hoping to get it down to 5$ a day for each of us for food and drinks. Which is tricky at first figuring out how much say a cup of coffee with cream and sugar costs. Since Adam got his extra day last week due to his co-worker being hurt we ended up having a whooping 179 left over for the week after paying bills and putting money back for the rent. But I talked to my brother last week and he said the only way to permanently fix the tiny house roof is to tie in the porch portion of the roof to the house roof at the apex of the A on the house roof. So that means I have to buy about 100 bucks of 2x6s for that, so 79 for the week -20 for gas on Sunday to go to the shop so 59 for the week. If we were still smoking we would have had to make a choice between smokes and food this week. I am so glad that is behind us! We were supposed to go pick up a truck load of plywood the past Sunday but Adam was unable to break away from his speech he is writing for public speaking class. So far we have 8 flats of roofing shingles, a pile of random lengths and thicknesses of boards, a half pallet of bricks, four antique windows, the use of a compact window unit ac, and my brother said he would bring roofing paper and water barrier when he comes to help us roof the place up, and a got a box of roofing nails at a yard sale for 25 cents!, an antique solid wood door, and some assorted pieces of wood we got of the side of the road. We still need: more 2x6s, insulation, more plywood and boards to make things such as the composting toilet box and bathing house, something to cover the walls ( I am thinking boards), and a couple of skylights and a transom window. I also got Adam a MITRE box and saw for 3 bucks Saturday, new in the box! :D It is amazing what you can find if you are willing to be humble and willing to make what you have to work with your first choice. I have two hickory trees to cut down in my mother's backyard that I am hoping to be able to afford to turn into boards to use in the house, we are cutting the trees to open up the back yard to sunlight so we can plant a garden. I found a man on Craig's list who has a personal sawmill I just have to find out how expensive it will be. The other things we are working on to save money is cutting back on our bathroom products cheapest toothpaste, most economical soap, things like that. I found recipes online for homemade shampoo using castile soap (which is what we use for body wash) baking soda and essential oil. When our shampoo is out that is what we are going to start using. I still have to buy conditioner but I am using the cheapest brand. One of the hardest cuts I have had to make is I have decided to re-home my guinea pigs. I am not sure if the Tiny house will be done on time for us to move into in June and they can't take loud noises, hectic environments or heat, so not only is it more economical for us it is better for them in the long run. That will be 30-50 dollars a month we can put into the house. I have found a home for them, I just have to set up delivery/pickup. We are keeping Albert the cat because he will have a better life in the country and because we will never have to worry about mice, rats or roaches since he is a killer of anything moving. Since we live right on the edge of the woods we are going to have issues with pests I am sure. The other issue with keeping the guinea pigs is I will not live with April anymore so I will not be able to rely on her to take care of them if we go out of town and my Mother and Step dad can not stand rodents. Another change we made is my sister now pays for the cable completely and we pay for the internet (we can't get rid of that because of Adam's schooling) but since the cable has been upgraded we are getting rid of the netflix to save the 8 bucks it costs. We have also made a vow not to buy anything that isn't for the house (that is necessary the pictures and clock were the last un-necessaries we purchased), to resale, to eat (that isn't frivolous), or a bill to pay until the house is done. So all in all we are cutting back like never before to work towards the goal of complete independence from rent, all bills that aren't utilities, and stuff! Wish us luck and comment if you have tips!

Changes, crazy days and lonely nigts.

2011-10-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gents may I ask you a question? When someone close to you, very close to you in fact launches into a screaming, stomping, hairpulling, brick wall punching tirade because they are overworked underpaid and stressed. How are you supposed to respond? Quiet and no eye contact? Patient and reassuring? Or like me turn your back and strain to hear the birds outside the window? What if you are biting your tongue because you just want to yell back? Is that the time you walk outside stare at your garden or finally get fed up and do some De-stressing of your own? How do you expedite these kind of situations? I am not sure what is worse, going through getting screamed at and hoping that this is the worst he is going to throw at me or knowing there is nothing I can do to make it better for him. I mean granted I understand it is hard to work a job where people are always drunk around you. And the people who are in charge of you can't decided if they want you to be thorough or patch things up to be fixed properly by someone else at a later date. I can;t imagine how must it must suck to get hom from work only to get called out an hour later. Only what he can;t see is I can imagine since I am left there at the house with either the meal I just cooked and stayed up till 1am to make sure I could, or I am left there alone after a day of being alone until the kids get home and yell and scream and then their parents get home and yell and then everyone goes to bed but me and I am left there alone again. I sometimes feel like maybe this is a penance for past transgressions? Or present ones, I hate holding on to guilt but I have to be honest I have a huge amount of it I think about everyday that is connected to not driving, and not having a job. But who do I disappoint? My sister or my husband? And furthermore how do I force someone to give me a job? I would give anything to make it easier on him so I guess I disappoint my sister if I am able to get a job. It is just so hard to sit there and get screamed at by someone twice your size and ten times your strength and not be at least a little scared especially given my past. I almost wonder though, I met a calm man (who had issues to be sure) and now we are here to this point of screaming. Did I do that to him? Is this somehow my fault? My last relationship was with an abusive angry man, did I do that to him? My father was an abusive angry man. Is there something about me that pisses people off? Adam has never hit or hurt me like the last man, and I don't think he ever ever ever would, but am I going to make him so angry he leaves? I wish I knew. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do to make things work smoothly. I wish there was a manual to adulthood. And I hope if you are like me and reading this you know that you are not the only one who doesn't know. You are not the only one who questions if it is your fault. You are not alone.

The daily grind, grinds back

2011-08-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

Go to bed later than I wanted wake up in the morning later than I wanted.

Get up brew coffee, straighten up after everyone while it perks.

Coffee, biscotti and Facebook, email, and Etsy.

Nothing sold.

Nothing really new.

Junk mail. Coupons to places I can't afford to go to. Viral forwards.

Clean the kitchen.

Mop the floor maybe, or bathe the dog.

Take out the trash.

Clean up after the animals. Food water and the like.

Maybe work on some crafts... "Oh, that is lovely J!" "Wow you really did good on this one Jalah!" Yes but it never pays the bills.

Wait for Adam to get home from work or school.

Kids off in the afternoon. Arguing, pouting over chores. TV comes on cartoons in the back ground. Off to play outside.

Another cigarette, maybe another cup of coffee.

Parents of kids come home, "How was your day Jalah?" "Same as ever and yours?" "You wouldn't believe what happened today!"

Work woes, money stresses, unexpected bills, funny follies of a day well spent working towards a goal that at times seems so very far away.

Supper, homework, baths and showers. TV maybe.

The rest of the family goes to bed and I try to think of a way to kill 2-4 more hours until Adam comes home. A book maybe? Science fiction TV, an easy out. More crafting, play with the cat. Cokes and smokes.

Adam finally comes home. Work tales and supper in front of the TV. "How much are you getting paid next week?" " Make sure 200 is left in the bank this week to pay the bills at the first of the month."

More smokes and cokes.

Sleep comes way later than we both would like.

Weekend.
Sunday, Sleep to late.

Coffee, biscotti and Facebook ect ect.

Adam sleeps later. I feel bored and lonely.

Clean up our room, and after the pets. Food water and the like.

Crafts maybe?

Nobody ever talks about why Suicide and divorce rates get higher every year.

Is it the economy?

Maybe global warming?

Ha! what people never talk about is the monotony of a life lived for the future.

Save your money, pay the bills, build your credit, go to school.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

The slow passage of time when everything is OK, predictable and monotonous grates on people.

Wears down the nerves like sandpaper on balsa.

Sure you are getting by, things aren't to bad, and you are setting yourself up for a place in the future.

But right now is this moment You are watching the clock, planning for years ahead, looking at the 'long game'.

You don't always know how to be happy with this life.

With what you have to work with.

You try to find deeper meaning in the little things look within and without for something greater than yourself.

But it is not always easy to find.

It sometimes feels as if I am watching a movie I have already seen.

A life lived in traction.

And those little things the bills and the money and the planning.

Rob Peter to pay Paul as my mother used to say.

little things snowball into big worries but you know that one day it will be OK, right?

One day you will be able to pay the bills and not worry about it.

One day you will have a car that just works.

And one day he won't have to work a dead end job for no money that he hates.

One day your life will be interesting and worthy of joy.

In the end everything will work itself out right?

So you keep planning and hoping.

You keep clam and carry on as it were, for your one day.

Shameless Promotion (for a good cause)

2011-01-31T19:17:00.000-08:00

Would you like to help someone out in need? Support Local business? Buy handmade crafts direct from the artist? Well how bout me? I have a Etsy.com shop, actually I have had it for about a year now it was supposed to be the way I got my art out to the world and so far I have only made one sale. I kinda let it lapse for awhile didn't put anything new into it for ages, well not anymore. I am filling it with as much as I can and promoting it anyway I can because my husband and I need to build up a bit of money to carry us through until he gets a job. If you purchase anything from my shop you can be assured it will be used in a quality of life sustaining sort of way. Maybe the gas in my husbands car to get him to a job interview, or a meal for the two of us, maybe my phone bill for the month. And if I continue to sell I will continue to make so you can be assured that you will be encouraging my creativity and passion regardless of what sort of bill I spend the money on. I might even start selling my water colors on there. Is there one on here you would like to buy? Message me and we shall see what I can do. Would you like to request a custom painting, piece of jewelry, or crocheted item? I can accommodate. Maybe you can't spend any money? Well tell your friends, share my link, post the link below somewhere! Any help is appreciated!

Click Here for Magpie's Notions!

snakes keep comin'

2011-01-20T17:40:00.000-08:00

The newest one entitled 'Infinity Burns' water color on water color paper Jalah Stern 2011

The four of them together, fifth is in the works
clockwise from left Obey, Love, Honor, and Infinity Burns
Jalah Stern 2011

Breakthroughs

2011-01-17T10:39:00.000-08:00

As of late I feel as though I have had a breakthrough of sorts. I feel the pieces of my life arranging themselves and things starting to get on track, this is no worldly breakthrough as far as money employment and the like I am the same as ever. But when I think of total life gain I really get excited, I don't know if it is finding a niche on the internet of like minded people, all the books I have been reading, better sleep, it being only 24 days till I see Adam or a combination there of but I feel happier and more well adjusted than I have in a long time. I am smoking less, sleeping more and better, and eating less junk food which is always a plus. I have painted five water colors and drew about ten pencil studies, which for me is awesome since I haven't picked up a paint brush since before I moved to California. And I have more self confidence which is refreshing and wonderful, and feels quite like a drug! I think I have learned to not put myself in last place much like I was when I wrote pen meets page a poem from some odd months ago. I think Adam appreciates it to I have been able to tell him ''hey this is my blog url go to it and look at it'', or'' hey I feel left out when you don't call me for two days'' instead of pouting about it. I think he appreciates the honesty and lack of beating around the bush. I feel like I can look at the world more objectively, weigh and consider things with out making it personal. I think the art is an outlet to help manage my less desirable emotions and get them out in a way I can feel proud of them and know they are a part of me and not wallow in the feeling on fear, confusion, anger, or depression. This whole thing is really coming as a surprise to me seeing as though my personal life is not very easy right now. At this point my sister and brother in law are both unemployed and monetarily things are very tight I was originally going to get paid to be their nanny and with things as they are I am unemployed and paying them to live here, the water company just sent us a letter that they are hiking the rates, it has been well over a year since I have seen Adam and with him at the end of his degree and working on three projects for Caught industries we have precious little phone time and I haven't been able to video chat with him in months, and I just went back on the pill which usually makes you go all nutty. But through this storm of things I have been able to look at it almost from the perspective of being outside of it for the past couple weeks. There isn't a thing I can do about any of it. And in the grander cosmic scheme of things not a bit of it really matters. April and Chase may be broke and unemployed but they still have their kids, they are still a happy healthy family and that is more than some people can say and something that I would imagine a lot of wealthy families wish they could buy. I may not be getting paid to watch April's kids but I am living here in my own room for very little rent/bills. They may raise the price of water, but we still have clean water to drink and bathe and cook with which is more than some people can say. I may not be able to talk to Adam often but I can take comfort in the fact that he is doing this for me, he has told me as much and I believe him, Adam doesn't have much drive to make his own life better, but he would give me the moon if he could and I know that. He said to me not to long ago "I really appreciate you standing by me through all of this and I know it really takes away from 'us' time and I just want to thank you for being patient and believing in me." I may not talk to him often but when I do things like that make all of the sacrifice worth going through. I have gotten frustrated and had a bit of self doubt a couple times lately but I feel as though I have equipped myself with the tools to deal with it in a timely manner and to step outside myself and make sure that my reaction is valid and not over proportioned. I think what it boils down to is the pursuit and and attainment of knowledge about myself and about ourselves the cosmic oneness we all share is a seriously grounding force in my life that I was missing. I may not know much but what I do know is so important, and everyday I learn something new that makes me appreciate myself and the world around me a little bit more. I look to the future with hope of a better understanding of myself and my place in the universe. I am just going to keep soul singing.

Privacy Warning and Disclaimer for ligit blog tracking widget.

2011-01-14T18:04:00.000-08:00

I was recently reading on the ligit website (they are the company that tracks your blog views and tells you were you visitors are from and when they visited your blog) That I am supposed to have a disclaimer on my page to let you know that when you view my blog ligit.com tracks your isp (that is to say where your computer says you are from) and tells me where you are from and when you viewed my blog. It does not tell me who you are your email or the like just the town and country from which you accessed my blog and the time you did so. Not only that but if you look to the right side of my blog a little ways down there is a box that says ligit search if you click on the tab Visitors map or Recent readers you to can see where my visitors are from, you just can't see when they accessed my page. At any rate legally if I am to use this widget I have to disclose my use of it to my readers so there ya go. Now you know.

Taming the snake

2011-01-14T15:16:00.000-08:00

Honor water color on sketch paper 2011 Jalah Stern

Love water color on sketch paper 2011 Jalah Stern

Honor water color on water color paper 2011 Jalah Stern

Let's get personal

2011-01-11T05:04:00.000-08:00

The wall opposite my bed

I have recently been thinking about personal space. Some of which is due to being reunited with Adam after our over a year hiatus. I live with my sister currently and her husband and two kids. We have a modest sized house about 1200 feet. I have my own room which is not a bed room but was a add on garage convert it has no closet but it does have it's own door that opens to the carport we use as a porch and is the biggest room in the house. Which is advantageous since I pretty much live in this one room. Sure I use the rest of the house, the bathroom, and occasionally the kitchen, and some times I watch tv in the living room. But I live in my room. these four walls are a part of me almost everything in this room is consciously placed and chosen. I used to have a lot of stuff tons of nick nacks and just crazy amounts of stuff. But I have purged down to my very favorite things and Adam has a medium sized box of his favorite things to bring back here. Everything I own now means something to me and says something about me. Which is good because I am a solitary creature when I say I live in these four wall I mean it. I eat my meals at the computer desk in the fallowing picture, I read my books on the bed, I meditate in that uncomfortable looking camp chair (it's not bad really) sitting by the guitar And I walk past that mountain of chaos to get to my door to go to the porch. These pictures that fallow are of my world and I think they say a little bit about me. If you look in the above picture under the wall shelf on the floor is the can of peas and jar of peanut butter from the bicycle post of a couple days ago. And taped to the wall beside the shelf are the pictures that I have drawn that are posted on here. The one that is not on here is a koi I really like koi in the stories I have heard after a life time of swimming against the tide they are rewarded by transforming into dragons. I like this because it shows that you do not get something from nothing, anything worth having is worth working for and through our struggles we are transformed into something greater than ourselves.

My koi drawing which one day I will paint in water colors

I have spent the past couple of years as an atheist which in the strictest meaning of the word I still am I do not believe in an eye is the sky deity but I believe in a power within ourselves. Every person in my belief has a bit of a divinity within. A spark of what some might call 'magic' a power to do more. We are powerhouses of psycho kinetic energy just waiting to be awakened to it's purpose. Even though I am a 'atheist' I am a spiritual person. A term I have learned recently that I fully identify with is conflicto oppositorium: conflicting opposites within ourselves. There is no need to define yourself by one set of rules. I thought for a long time that it was easier to hide behind atheism, it was easier it seemed to me to not believe in certain things. The two main ones being fate and the soul. Even when I was staunchly anti everything I still loved my husbands (and now my) collection of religious artifacts. Such as our purbas (conversely called a vajrakila or thunder nail) it is a magical dagger used to literally nail evil counter forces to the ground. We have about five of them. A Vajra wich is a diamond or thunderbolt scepter representing male and the path the five points being the five Jinas, and a Ghanta bell which symbolizes transience and female wisdom the purpose it is topped in a vajra so it means the path and purpose are one. and a Parasu and Kartika which (both of the later do the same thing) is a hatchet shaped artifact used to severe detachments to all worldly things to start or help a spiritual journey.

kartika

Parasu

I also collect other religious statuary I have a Ganesh and a Garuda statue as well as many incarnations of Buddha and Shiva and Vishnu scattered about my shelf

Garuda and on his left a vajrakila and on his right a vajra in his hand on the right side is a amber and jet necklace with a silver tree pentacle that you can't see. Adam made it before he meet me, for me. There is no better necklace for me than this since I am so tied to trees.

Ganesh balancing out the science and atheist literature below him.

The other thing on the shelf is maneki nekos or Japanese lucky cats Adam and I have a couple of these though the story behind them is personal to him so I won't share it here. The black one in the picture below is part of a set of black and white ones that I got him to celebrate his first completed semester and his 4.0. When I left California I took the black one with me to remember this. I found the Christmas ornament this year and flipped when I saw it. I decorated my tree with Adam's Warhammer models and this one giant cat on my tiny tree!

The fan in the right hand corner was given to me by Adam last Christmas, along with the computer I am writing this on. You can also see some of my key collection and our prayer wheel and of course the nekos!

Another thing in my room is my guinea pigs Sir Issac Newton and Erwin Rudolf Josef Alexander Schrödinger. I have to have something to care for and thats what they are.

There is Newton at the bottom Schrödinger was to busy coming up with thoughts experiments to pose

I also have a giant white board for organizing thoughts and making lists, right now it tells my Adam's schedule, when I leave for my flight, a reminder to take my pill (one thing that isn't so great about seeing him again, well the only thing that is not so great, is going back on birth control pills) and a note about Jung's archetypes. Oddly enough my husband went out and bought a white board bigger than my enormous one right after I got mine. It is in the corner that I designed for meditation next to the guitar and my Tibetan singing bowl, if you have never experienced the joy of a singing bowl you should really get one. It does not have to be one with fancy carving or a rosewood mallet mine is simple and unadorned the antique ones are better than the new ones but only for the tone the brass alloys used improve with age. Here is a link to a sample of the sound made by gently rubbing the mallet against the outside rim circularly http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/64/SingingBowl2.ogg And the sound made by striking the bowl with the mallet http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/25/SingingBowl1.ogg The sound seems to carry on forever when you listen to these in person due to harmonics the sound literally feeds off of its self the vibrations continue to make vibrations and continue the sound. It is lovely and relaxing and a great way to either get into the 'zone' for meditation or even art, or just to calm yourself after a stressful or busy day. It takes practice and concentration to use one so it is useful for inducing a trance-like state.

The corner I had originally designed for music but it seems to be a shoe farm at the moment I have an obsession with converse lo- tops. There is my singing bowl in front of the guitar.

To the right of the grey boxes in the above picture is a window with black light blocking curtains since I sleep during the day most of the time. I am just a night owl what can I say? There is a trunk in front of the curtains and on the trunk is photo collage of mostly Adam and a couple pictures of us and a couple of our favorite places. In front of that is a baby squirrel I preserved in alcohol I did not kill it it fell out of the nest and I preserved it and presented it to my niece's class. They loved it.

Adam a squirrel and some of his wands to the left and right of it and one in front. Also our Ghanta bell, and some assorted astronomy books because I love space and anything to do with it.

Then there is the chaos of my desk, believe it or not I know where every single thing is. And yes that is snacks on top of the desk I get so into what I am doing I just keep stuff in here. This is where I spend most of my time that I am at home. Some of you my recognize the website on my computer. *Nods head in your direction.

Jalah's desk of doom. complete with soda, tarot cards, ast books, and my frog hanging on the top. Adam and I both LOVE frogs and have a handful of little statues and such.

And finally my bed, conveniently right next to the desk. funny thing about this bed is I was conceived in it. And the teeth marks on the bed posts are mine when I was teething it is about 150 years old and I love it. And Ironically enough is exactly where I am going when I get done posting this.

The lovely velvet quilt was a Christmas gift from my mother this past year.

Well this has been a tour of my room/ world. I hope it didn't seem like it was just about the things I own but more about how you can see something in where someone lives and what they surround them selves

with.

One last thing the outside!

Mine is the room by the garage with the painting in the window. And that is our dog on the front porch .

Bicycle revelations.

2011-01-08T20:20:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to meditate/ consciously tap into ones subconscious while doing a repetitive task? Say riding a bike on familiar streets? I think so, and it is what I do when I need to think on something and the house just seems a little to noisy. For some reason I find it easier to think with the woosh woosh woosh of cars going by on city streets than my families back ground noise. Don't get me wrong I love my family but if I can hear a persons voice or the tv it sometimes shatters my ability to think about anything deeper than the level of casual conversation. So tonight I was riding my bike and I was thinking at first how pretty a dirty city can be at night. Our city is full of ancient oak trees and throw back architecture but during the day when all you can see is the trash beside the road and angry drivers and new shops it can be hard to see the beauty in a city. But at night it is all shadows and streetlights and car lights, no faces to be found. I realize more and more what a solitary creature I am. The way a row of streetlights shining through moss draped oaks looks is like a work of art.And the shadows of those oaks on the ground under my wheels, a pattern of the above on the below. So at first I am beginning to 'tune out' so to speak on the transformation of my city around me. Then my second thought is to my own shadow, because of the street lights and car lights and ever changing perspective of moving I have three shadows one almost always right beside me that looks almost exactly like me one kind of squished under me the darkest of them all a distorted image of me and one continuously rushing ahead (because of the car lights) so this gets me thinking about a few things the first thing that comes to mind is past present and future. the past being the darker squished self a darker younger me who has been through a lot and is kind of under me now though still constantly there. and the one that looks just like me that is right beside me is my present, I am here. The one constantly rushing in front of me in an almost endless cycle is my future. It seems to cycle, rushing up from behind me to race me in time, over and over. which is much like we all seem to do. I do not know how many times I visit the past in my mind, sometimes the near past where did I put that? When did I call them? Sometimes older past, why did I do that? remember when we did this? Sometimes past that is not my own, Tell me about your past Dad. I wonder what it was like for them? Always though rushing back from the past into the new day. Searching for the next part, the answer, my true self. Occasionally the present shadow stretches forward as if trying to catch up to the future. Much like myself. I guess I am impatient trying to rush myself into grasping concepts I might should slow down on. I feel my future in front of me and I know what I have to do to get there, but at the moment I am at a stale mate. But at the same time this also makes me think of Jung (big surprise seeing as though that is about 90% of what I have been reading the past month or so) the smaller squished shadow being the 'shadow', the almost just like me shadow being the 'self' and the one rushing ahead to be the 'animus' which is to fast to catch, even though the self reaches for it time and time again. Form there I thought reaching for the animus and reaching for change, and how that at the same time could be beneficial and detrimental. I think if I rush any of this to much I will end up either frustrated or burned out. But if I don't pursue change it is not going to find me. So I thought about consciously trying to tap into the unconscious to let me lead myself. So here I am riding along really feeling the pull of the universe and then I see something in the road I am going downhill at a high rate of speed and I brake and as has happened about a million times this month my bike throws my chain and I have coaster brakes ie: pedal brakes, so those are no longer working I jerk the wheel and tumble off the bike feet over head and get up not a scratch on me and there in the middle of the side walk the thing I almost ran into is a can (new and unopened) of "tiny tender field peas, with snaps" and "Jif" peanut butter,the big jar. So I open myself up to the universe and it gives me peas and peanut butter. I have decided to give them to the next homeless person I see, "Here the universe sent these to you".

* what I forgot to mention is I have a route that I ride over and over again about a mile route two or three times and I had been on that stretch of side walk that night only about 15 minutes before and the peas and peanut butter in question where not there.

Sacrifice

2011-01-08T14:25:00.000-08:00

1 year, 3 months, and five days ago I left my husband in an airport in California to head to Florida to help my sister with her kids and to escape a situation that was less than ideal in California. My husband and I could not find work and I did not feel that his parents could (or wanted to) support not only Adam who was going to school but me who was not. Not only that but my sister had come down with an illness and needed help with her children until she was better and then needed me to be their nanny after so she could work. So I left, I left my husband who I had only been married to for 6 months. I left knowing I wouldn't see him until he graduated College, which would be over a year. We had made plans for me to come back but living off of GI Bill bha and a Pell grant for two households made this impossible. But in the back of my mind I always knew it wouldn't happen. So we have talked on the phone countless of probably thousands of hours, spent a few hours on the web cam and have sent two Christmas presents and two birthday presents and a handful of cards and letters. And in 33 days 5 hours and 20 minutes I will see him again. Is there something wrong with me that I am worried about it being some how awkward? I mean obviously when I first see him we will both be happy and grateful to see each other but what about later? What about when we go to bed that night? Will I be able to sleep in the bed with someone again (alright those of you who have a dirty mind I do not mean that) will I be able to dream? I am ridiculously excited to see him and I do not have any second thoughts I would marry him a thousand times. It is the little things that I am slightly nervous about. Not that it will keep me from being happy with him. We might just have to get a bigger bed! I am also slightly nervous about a recent development. My husband is an atheist in the truest sense of the word. I do not believe in a deity, but he doesn't believe in so much more. And recently I have had what you may call an awakening of sorts, for a long time I didn't believe in myself having a soul, dreams meaning anything, coincidences being anymore than that, but lately I have been questioning everything, everything I have ever believed in or not believed in. I hope that there won't be any problems with our differences of opinion but I am thinking it won't be a problem. I know I am ready for this to be over I am ready to have my husband, my love, my best friend back for real. I miss most of all those moments we have where we have been working on things in the same room heads down not talking, lost in our own projects, and all of a sudden we both look up at each other and smile and know that we love each other.

2011-01-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

Due to monetary constraints I am going to have to give up smoking. It may just be for this month it may be for the rest of my life we shall have to see. I wonder though if this is just a coincidence that in this time in my life were I am trying to see the world in a different way that I would also have to give up my only addiction I have left. Well physical addiction that is. I am pretty sure you could say I have a pretty kicking addiction to the internet, or knowledge and other some suchs as that. But cigarettes are my only chemical addiction. I know they are bad for me and yada yada what person doesn't these days. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I want one. I am trying to be a better person and I suppose that this was all in all just another brick in the wall. ;) I gave up canned tuna because I was afraid of the mercury poisoning my brain but some how I was still able to rationalize smoking. I feel like I am on the verge of a break through these days. Like I am becoming something. If I can tackle smoking maybe that is one more step towards a better (?) me. My Mom asked my sister and I if we still stayed up all night and slept late in the day to which we replied yes and she replied when are you girls going to grow up? Maybe that is what I am working towards, growing up at 26 I guess I always was a late bloomer. Well at least I will be able to me smug in the fact that I was able to beat it and so many others aren't. No thats not really me. And I am really not holding out hope for this. Right now it is necessary due to monetary restraints but when I have the money who is to say that I am not going to start smoking again? I am not going to be that asshole who lords it over everyone else who smokes only to be caught behind the house one day. I hope I can kick it, I know it is ridiculous to pay for your own (tasty though it may be!) death coming slowly. I am trying to replace it with riding my bike, stretching, loud music, anything enjoyable and distracting. Won't Adam be tired when he gets back? ;) At any rate we shall see if this works, I am keeping my fingers crossed.

*Image note: This is not my image it belongs to this person and I give full credit to them: http://lucaszoltowski.deviantart.com/art/The-Smoke-100571961

2011-01-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, This is always an auspicious time for people making bad plans and false promises. I won't be doing that, Not to say I have never tried in the past I guess I am just a bit wiser now. I guess I could say I have a bit of a goal or hope maybe but not a resolution. I hope to be more open this year. More open to new ideas and previous things I had written off. I hope to be able to open my mind to possibilities and concepts that seem far fetched and pointless to some. Maybe there is more than nothing. Maybe some things are immeasurable for a reason. Maybe we have not evolved enough to have the capacity to understand some of these things. Trying to measure the whole of eternity and mans place in time with math and physics alone may just be the equivalent of trying to measure the Titanic with a dressmakers tape. Maybe what they say about people using 11% of their brain is just a generality. Maybe I am smart enough to go to school and brave enough not to drop out, again. Maybe I should focus less on trying to make friends with other people and make friends with my self. Maybe the hokey poky is what it is all about. Maybe by denying my possession of a soul I have been letting mine sleep. Awake, awake to a brand new world.

2010-12-31T20:01:00.000-08:00

Merrily merrily merrily, Life is but a dream.

Taken directly from a IM at 3:20am

2010-07-11T02:15:00.000-07:00

03:21Me
and then we can have bacon sandwhiches!
03:21Adam
then I can tell a street preacher they have no pancake mix
03:21Me
And pass out athiest literature disguised as religious tracts!
03:21Adam
and beat a mormon with a 6 foot long inflatable penis
03:22Me
and then go to an art meusum and stand really still till someone comes to admire us?
then go to a resturant and sit in the non smoking section and use bubble pipes?!
03:22Adam
then release chickens in a court room
03:22Me
And then club stuffed seals in public!?
03:23Adam
then stuff clubed people, also in public
03:23Me
And then drive an ice cream truck to a weight watchers meeting and park out side and yel come and get it!?
Wait what was that last one you said?
And then release a pack of feral cats into a dog show?
03:24Adam
then build a trebuche and launch flaming porta johns at the old folks home
03:25Me
and then pour red paint in the ladies restroom at walmart and lead it out the door to the tampon esile?!
03:25Adam
then release baby skunks in an elementry school
"there so cute
:
03:26Me
Then mail old fashioned ticking clocks to random government officials with a note inside that said gotcha?
03:26Adam
then sign up random people for subscriptions to porno mags
03:27Me
then randomly stick rfid tags to the bottom of half of the shopping carts in a store?
03:27Adam
that ones mine
03:27Me
nuh uhn you said sew them into the lining of coats
03:27Adam
then lock up the secure shoping cart wheels
all of them
03:28Me
then replace viagra with pez at a pharmacy?!
03:28Adam
then paint the floor of pre-school with glue trap adhesive
03:29Me
then go to peoples homes in the middle of the night and dig up their front yard plants and move them all a foot over
then randomly switch peoples tags at shopping malls
03:30Adam
then rub ring worm on the nozzle of the try me bottle of lotion in the teen store
you know how much trouble we would get into if we did a quarter of this shit
03:30Me
then hack into the malls music and replace it with the sound track to hard core beastiality
Oh yeah baby...Baaaaa
03:31Adam
mace a cop
then grab his hand cuffs and run like hell
03:32Me
Give out government officials home phone numbers in bathrooms with the for a good time call note
03:33Adam
put hot sauce in the K-Y
03:33Me
replace the olive oil at an fancy resturant with emetic
repaint the stripes in the road purple
03:34Adam
nice
vary nice
03:34Me
randomly change street signs
which one?
lol
03:34Adam
put "Error 404" signs in front of doors

I love my husband, and I love being married to him!

Passionate ramblings of artistic pursuits.

2010-07-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was finally able to unpack my beading supplies sent to me by Adam. It has been Six mths since I was able to look at it much less use it. A I was reorganizing and pawing through all of my stuff I realized what has been missing from my life as of late, ART! Before I moved to California I spent almost all day working on something even when I worked for my brother I was a painter, which is an art form at it's base. I made tons of jewelry and sold quite a bit of it. I painted, I sewed, I cooked food for my husband and I trying new recipes and techniques. I had a comfortable area to grow as an artist and an outlet for my creativity. I was a happier and better adjusted. When Adam and I lived in Fl renting a room and struggling to get by we still perused artistic pursuits, and we were still happy. Granted part of the issue is the distance between Adam and I but I think that the other part of the equation is art. Hopefully with my own space to grow and develop now I can get back to the thing that makes me happy, my art. I feel like I have gotten farther and farther away from my self struggling to be some new invented person. After Russell and I separated I tried to reinvent myself to be the opposite of what I was with him. To be a new person, a fresh start I thought. Everything reminded me of him the way I dressed (bohemian) the music we listened to (I never did actually like that though) even the food that I cooked reminded me of him. Thankfully I grew as a person when we separated I actually started developing my own taste in food, I love Indian food and Asian food now. I found so many more genres of music I love now. And most of all I can actually say no now, my opinion matters, most of all to me! But the one thing that I think by trying to reinvent my self has been pushed to the back is art. I used to paint, a lot. I haven't painted anything in a long time the last time I started painting I felt like well this is the old me this painting looks like something that I would have done before in those days. I think I have come to realize that there is the part of my that will always be me and always be the same. SO therefore, bring on the art! Hopefully once we get the house finally done. Which should be soon. I will be back to using art as my outlet, and posting pictures for you to see.

short update

2010-06-24T10:03:00.000-07:00

New chapter new beginnings. My sister's (who I am living with) husband is out of the Air Force the 30th. So this ends my life in the military beginning with April and her first husband Bobby in the army then Chase in the Air Force. Leaving the base is bittersweet. I am glad to leave the braty children, nosy housewives, military bureaucracy messing with Chase, and the crappy housing. But I am sad to leave the beaches, the familiarity, and I am sad for the kids. The military helped me find my husband indirectly, he was in the Air Force in Fl and stayed there after he got out, and I was there because Chase and April were stationed there. But at the same time I am really looking forward to the new adventure in our new house, in the best part of Mobile. Our new house will be in walking distance or biking distance from my favorite grocery stores, coffee shop, bike shop, and an awesome school for Adam to continue his education and April and Chase to start theirs. The yard is amazing as well with ample room to start and experimental veg garden to practice for our one day farm, and April has given me the largest room with our own door to the out side. All I have to do is last until Adam gets here in March! I miss him soooo much! But anyway here is to new beginnings and new adventures!

pen meets page

2010-04-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

Southern in my mouth, saltwater in my viens.

I said I never would be coming beck here again.
yet here I am.
I am in traction a life lived in reverse.
As I write this verse pen meets page, inelegant truths merge.
A life lived of on the edge of what I can't be sure.
There is a greater meaning there I have a lesson to learn.
I am on the verge do I move forward or go back to the start?
I am scared and I am nervous.
The future looms great but the past is still near.
I want to be there, where I belong.
This time seems so long I know I have to be strong.
Today is not an answer yesterday is just a song.
How do you put yourself first when your heart is in last place?
Pen meets page and I trace my heart strings.
I want to be at the place where my soul sings.
I am tired of all these usual things.
Must it be just you and just me?
There has to be more than just me.
Just love or just lust.
Your emotional intelligence is bordering on intelligible.
I need something just a bit more tangible.
As pen meets page thoughts become more manageable.
Just Breathe.

temporal lobe adjustment.

2010-04-24T20:55:00.001-07:00

I walked on the beach today the night before was wicked with lightening and thunder.
I hoped I would find you there, only solace and solitude in the air.
The wave beats the shore asking it for answers the sand has no more.
boom boom swish spray
a staccato beat on my skin, every pore breathes in life.
The reeds whisper and sway every thought through the day.
Melancholy my folly as thoughts pour through my brain every neuron is firing.
My nerves they just tingle as my thoughts they just mingle with flotsam and foam.
Pound beats on the shore leave me begging for more.
I never imagined the sweet smell of decay, saltwater and bay could wash away all these questions.
I walk down to the trees the path twisting and leaned one foot in the water and one on the shore.
I can not go no further the wind howls and bays pulling hair past my eyes.
I struggle to see white caps on the horizon.
There as I stand I strain for the meaning and finally feel it.
Your heart next to mine it beats and keeps time to waves pounding the shore.
By Jalah Stern

A poem about this week's post to come.

2009-07-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

Sleep to Dream

Tonight we sleep, to feast on dreams,
To wake up in dreams and ponder things.
Tonight we feast on dreams, to ponder wicked things,
Far away from the groping eyes of the world outside.
Tonight there will be no grasping hands,
No idle pleasures, no constrained voices of lust.
Tonight we feast on dreams of a more transcendent nature,
Rising high above the pleasures of this world.
Forgetting even that to which we cling,
Tonight we swoop, and soar, and sing!
Tonight there will be no bartering, no prancing.
No mincing of words, tonight we sleep,
To feast on dreams, of eloquent and forgotten things.
Tonight there will be no long conversations,
No argument between the Id and Ego.
Tonight we sleep to feast on dreams of long and laborious things,
Never before attempted in our wildest imaginations.
Oh the lamentations, of time.
Tonight we do not sleep for rest; there will be no woe,
No regrets for what we could be doing.
Tonight we sleep to dream; tonight we sleep to feast on dreams,
Of beauty and idyllic themes, roving, wandering, exploring,
Fantasy and all its ilk. Tonight we feast on dreams.
Tonight we sleep as children do, of an unabashed nature,
Creator of worlds within worlds, chief, champion and ruler.
In this place how could there be another?
Tonight there will be no long soliloquies,
Started at dusk only to continue till dawn,
Crashing into the breaking of the light.
Tonight we sleep to feast on dreams, of tender things,
Soft, and sweet, and deeper still love and hope surpassing thrill.
Tonight there is no hunger for what could be,
Everything there ever was is here, and everything there ever will.
Tonight we sleep to dream, alpha, theta, delta, dream.
Tonight we sleep to dream; tonight we sleep to feast on dreams.

Jalah Stern 2009

Black and White vs. Grey: the great debate.

2009-07-11T16:57:00.000-07:00

I got in a debate with my husband last night around 3 am, the best time to debate of course. That debate led me to the topic of today's blog. I have always prided myself on being a literal thinker, someone who can pick a side and stick to it. I am now debating my position on the matter. It has recently come to attention that I may be depriving myself of options. Obviously there are things that are black and white, cut and dry, finite. Such as science, but is it really? Think of the variables, and of the revisions we have made to things that we had just last year accepted as fact. Take poor Pluto for instance, once a planet now a lowly planetoidal asteroid. OK, I tell my self there are still things that are concrete, what about math!? Yes what about math, ever heard of fuzzy logic? quoted directly from Wikipedia.com "Logics are usually systems intended to codify rules for preserving some sematic property of propositions across transformations". To put that in layman's terms, logics are ways of explaining mathematical concepts as they go about thier jobs of quantifying and qualifying. Logics are finite, 2+2=4 there is no other answer. Fuzzy logics are infinite. So there goes math, right out the window. But really, who is better off? The person who can say yes or no? Or the one that says yes no or maybe? To think in black and white may very well be sacrificing possibility and mystery for finite truth. Is certainty preferable to the unknown?

I decided to research this online, I have been on the Internet for five and a half hours now. First I started out on Wikipedia.com, then on to Stanford.edu, I searched blogs about it on technorati.com, Google.com, that's where I lost track of websites. It would be nice to hide behind literal thinking, to take black and white for face value. However I have been presented with enough evidence today to say I cannot. Aristotle is where we will start, he proclaimed that there is logic which to him meant yes or no. From there it went on to three valued logic meaning yes, no, and either maybe or unknown. Then we get to multi valued logic where there are more than three possibilities. This gives you an infinite amount of variables between yes and no, a plethora of truth values if you will. Which brings me to my next example.

Let us examine the paradox of the heap, which is attributed to Eubulides of Miletus. Imagine if you will a heap of sand. Now think of that heap of sand slowly decreasing one grain at a time, when does that heap of sand cease to be a heap? Can it still be a heap of sand when it is a grain of sand? To make this "logical" we might try to put a fixed boundary on our heap of sand and say it's not a heap if it is less than 1,000,000 grains. This doesn't really mean much because there really isn't that much difference in 1,000,000 and 999,999. Do you think you could see any difference in our heap then? Or, we can take the example of an apple. When does it stop being an apple, when you bite it, when you swallow it? What about if you eat it all? Is it no longer an apple when its gone, does the apple cease to be, or never was in the first place? These are matters of perception and perspective which lead me to my next point.

Perspectivism is a philosophical point of view, founded by Friedrich Nietzsche, that proposes all ideations take place from particular perspectives. Meaning that your idea of a situation, concept, or thing comes from your particular perspective on the situation, concept, or thing. So, there are many possible conceptual schemes or perspectives which determine any possible truth value, logic, or judgement that you may make. This implies that no one way of seeing the world can be considered absolute truth. Since everyone would have their own truth based on their perspective at any given time. So there would be many truths. Nietzsche went on to impress that in his opinion all perspectives are not equally valid. Perspectivism is in the same school of thought as contextualism. Contextualism describes a collection of views of different philosophers that stresses the context of an action, situation or expression. It proposes that action, situation or expression can only be understood in that context. This school of philosophical thinking makes concepts such as " meaning ..." "knowing that..." and possibly even "being true" or "being right" only have meaning relative to the specified context that they were conceived in. So, at this point if we take both perspectivism and contextualism into consideration, your ideas are formed from your perspectives and only valid in the context in which they were conceived in. Therefore every thought or idea you have ever conceived or considered is a "truth" and every time it was put in a different context it was changed. There are entire religons based on these concepts.

Jainism is an ancient dhamic religion from India that believes that all souls have divine potential, that once we pay down our karmic debt we can receive god-consciousness. I think this is a lovely concept, I like the equality They put into their doctrine. One of the major tenants of Jainism is Anekantavada, it centers around the ideals of pluralism and multiplicity of viewpoints. It goes on to add that truth and reality are perceived differently from every point of view and that no single point of view is the complete truth. they illustrate this with a parable about blind men and an elephant. Each blind man felt a different part of the elephant and each thought that he could describe the elephant. Of course no man was able to due to their lack of perception of the elephant as a whole. No specific mortal human viewpoint can claim to represent absolute truth. Their entire doctrine is built on finding possibilities, they encourage the exploration of other religious and philosophical beliefs. The literal English translation of Anekantavada is scepticism or non-absolution, or doctrine of non-exclusivity in Sanskrit. They even have a system of defining truths in seven easy steps.

1. in some ways, it is
2. in some ways, it is not
3. in some ways, it is, and it is not
4. in some ways, it is, and it is indescribable
5. in some ways, it is not, and it is indescribable
6. in some ways , it is, and it is not, and its indescribable
7. in some ways it is indescribable

Jainism influenced great leaders such as Gandhi, who's mother fallowed Jainism. Gandhi proclaimed that the duty of every individual is to determine what is their personal truth and act on that relative perception of truth. He was also quoted as saying "The world is changing every moment and it is therefore unreal, it has no permanent existence. But though it is constantly changing, it has something about it which persists and it is therefore to that extent real."

So in short, knowing what I know now, I cannot sit idly by content to believe that the world is black and white with no room for grey. It is grey that makes us question, grey that makes us different. It is grey that makes an opinion worth having and arguing. Grey makes the world worthwhile. I hope this has given you something to think about and conceptualize. Put it in your own context and tell me what your perception is. I'm sure you can come up with a logical explanation of the imperfect truth.

2009-07-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

Given to Roam

My blood sings with anticipation
What will be?
He said that it would never be boring
There is gypsy in my blood
A wanderer born to ramble
May the road be my home
I have never really felt settled, always looking
Always seeking my green pastures
Born on wings of restlessness
Yellow dotted lines in front of me
The past behind and soon forgot
Wide skies and vast horizons
To mountains from the shore
You have to take it as it comes
The road goes on without you
Whether you are there or not
Life is like an unplanned journey
You are given a map
The course you follow is your own
One day that road will take me

To where I'm supposed to be
for now I will keep on looking
and hope that road is long
life is an adventure
and I am given to roam

Jalah Stern 2009