first post

So here goes my first blog. I have a blog on myspace( http://www.myspace.com/jalahwrd1 ) but I use myspace mostly to keep up with people I know "in real life" such as old friends and family. So, that blog is mostly about mundane things. I hope to take this blog in a different direction. It is a kind of a work in progress of myself. I am a very cerebral, philosophical thinker but it is hard for me to put my finger right down on something unless I am talking to someone. Enter my new blog. I will be working out abstract concepts such as philosophy, emotions, world views, and other such things. Like defining myself in real time, so to speak. I have found that it doesn't matter whether I am typing, talking, or writing it is easier to focus than silently pondering to myself. I have unfortunately stifled myself my entire life. Until this week. I had an epiphany. I realize I have been doing this disservice to myself as far back as I can remember. In order to explain this, I am going to have to give you, Dear Reader, some background information. We will start with year five of my short existence. my mother enrolled me in our church's preschool. I had other plans. When I realized that she planned to leave me there I ran as fast I could down the length of the porch, and thinking I could fly I launched my self off the top step. I landed face first on the concrete driveway. I have been told I was screaming "Don't leave me!". I wouldn't know, I don't remember any of it! Oddly enough, I don't remember most of my childhood. I do know that it marked the beginning of my codependency. I went to work with my mother for the next year, thankfully she was a housekeeper therefore it didn't matter that I tagged along. Around the age of 11, I began to grow up (and away) from my mother. She gave me the choice to drop out of school at the age of 13. So it was back to work with mom, this time in an antique store she had started with a partner. I spent my time immersed in history or with my nose in a book. I made my own education. I devoured fiction, classics, textbooks, antiques guides, and anything else that was the printed word. I talked to the patrons of the antiques store and became a different sort of teenager. I didn't even date until I was 16! Then, armed with very little knowledge of people my own age I meet my first boyfriend. Thus started my education of my peers. Even before I dropped out I didn't have any real friends. So now I was away from my mother, and going wild. Still I was letting my boyfriend shape my likes and dislikes, my views on things were not my own. Six years and many tears later, we separated. I had been living with my sister in Fl for nearly a year, but I was still talking to him. Then I met Adam who is now my husband, the rebound that stuck. I was talking to him before I had stopped talking to the last boyfriend. So technically, I had no time between the last boyfriend and Adam. I have spent my adult life distracting myself from myself! This week I realized that, I have had a lot of time to think lately. Adam and I were in car wreck the 20Th of June and I have been in the bed ever since. I stupidly had my foot on the dash and cracked my pelvis (but this is beside the point). So, up to this point I have no education to speak of (self taught goes no where in this country anymore), and the only job experience I have is painting. So far I have moved 19 times since I was 18. Adam and I moved to California last Oct to live with his parents so that he could go to school. I am in the process of starting my life at 24, and finding out who I am, hence the title of my blog. What I have is a life under construction, a blank canvas. And this blog is to chronicle the process of learning to be an adult and discovering myself. Hang on, its sure to be a bumpy ride. If you have any experiences that are similar to mine or a counter point, don't hesitate to comment. I would also appreciate suggestions on books to read.

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